Life Changes in a Rapidly Changing World

It's been years since I've had a blog, and I accidentally let my website domain lapse, but the writer part of me is begging for a voice with all that is happening in our/my world. So here I am, with a fresh start.

It has been a crazy few months in this world of ours, with the global pandemic of COVID-19. Businesses closed everywhere you turn, few cars were on the roads, people kept to their own domiciles in order to not spread the germs of this sometimes deadly virus, and many deaths throughout the world. I was constantly out and about because I work in hospice, so my job has continued through it all. I have loved driving the freeways with hardly any cars on them, any time of the day! That has been a treat.

That's the serious state of the world right now, and likewise, there are serious issues taking place in my personal life. The combination of the oddity of the world around me, along with my own mountainous struggles, is a doozy!

I have been cautious about sharing widely all that has happened. We had some very intense difficulties in our family nearly three years ago. Since that time, there hasn't been peace amongst some family members. What happened then has had everything to do with what is happening now, effectively causing smaller issues to become giant problems. A magnifying glass, a spotlight effect is what it feels like to me.

Although my husband and I love each other, and have loved each other for more than 44 years, we have mutually arrived at the conclusion that we can no longer be spouses under these circumstances, circumstances that are not related to sin. Although this seems sudden to most everyone who has known us, it is something that we have had to weigh out for several years. The particular circumstances of our difficulties have made it challenging to go for professional help. Although there may be things we'd wish for, and would like to demand out of others, sometimes we have to accept that others have their agency and we cannot force the things we feel are best and right. I am getting well practiced at "letting things be."

Needless to say, my world has caved in. I now move through each day with a broken heart. It is simply impossible to not feel brokenhearted when the person you have loved the most in the whole wide world is no longer your daily companion. He lives several miles away now, and has for several months, and when we made the decision to separate, it felt sudden and unbelievable to me. Although we communicate frequently and see one another almost daily because of our pups, and we behave amicably, there's no getting around the fact that everything is very different. I cannot type those words without a flood of tears; tears are my daily companions. Never ever, not even for a moment, before all of this happened, did I have any thought at all about divorce. It was not part of our vocabulary, even if we were very, very upset with one another. Soon, though, it will be our reality.

Although everything I have said so far is not "news" for me, obviously, I am learning that the few people I have shared it with find themselves in a state of shock. I know! I have been dealing with shock myself for about three months. I have learned to visit hospice patients while in a state of shock, to go through an earthquake for a double load of shock, to try to function alone in my home while in a state of shock. It is shocking.

More than anything, I am sharing here because I've learned a few new things and have had other truths reinforced. I am eternally grateful for the friends that have been propping me up as I sink into yet another hole. Although I know for an absolute certainty, that when someone says, "If you need to talk, give me a call," they are very sincere in doing so, very sincere; yet doing exactly that, making the call, is a very difficult thing for someone who is hurting, who is battling circumstance-induced depression (or other causes), because the very nature of depression prevents one from actually doing the simple things that would be helpful. It is a conundrum.

Something that I find the most helpful is when someone says to me, "Let's get together. What are some dates/times that will work for you?" or, "If you feel like talking, I'd love to talk. Can I call you sometime this evening?" rather than the open-ended invitation, "Give me a call if you need to talk," which requires the action to be instigated by me. None of us like to feel "needy," or to prove to others that we are, simply by responding to that invitation, even if the truth is that we are very needy! Getting it into gear to call or try to set up the get-together can often be too much. I have said the same things myself to friends in struggle. I am now becoming hyper-aware of how I approach my offers of friendship and help. It is so frustrating to feel this bit of depression that prevents me from doing anything that makes me feel better! 

May I humbly suggest that we re-think how we offer our help to others? It really can make a world of difference!

I am grateful for all of my friends, near and far. I am also so thankful for those who remember to keep in touch with me, who sometimes don't take no for an answer, but do so without plowing over the top of me. I am not who I once was. I am in the fire and it is burning right up next to my soul. A life change like this is huge any time it happens. It is particularly challenging to face during the pandemic when I cannot be with my loved ones or friends. We have all taken seriously the "stay home, stay safe" challenge. Zoom is nice, but it is no substitute for a hug, for presence. As a hospice chaplain, that is also very true. I told my boss the other day, "I just want to hold my patients' hands and stare into their souls." I can't do that for hardly anyone right now, but for my heart, it is what matters most.

This is a wild, painful ride. So far, here are some of the things I've learned along my journey:

1.   Life can be very full of surprises, not all of them fun.
2.   If you're unhappy with someone's behavior, talk to them about it with love in your heart. Don't let it fester and come out like a shotgun blast. The damage can be vast and lasting.
3.   Love people. Look for what is good and forgive what is challenging. We are all here learning together. Remember that "when people know better, they do better." Sometimes they don't know better, even if we think they should.
4.   Pay attention to what your childhood traumas and generational issues are and how they may be wreaking havoc in your adult life relationships. Seek professional help.
5.   Be kind. Be tender. Be patient.
6.   Let God whisper to you words of understanding about your situation that help you find peace, and help you take another step when you don't know if you can.
7.   Be thankful for your friends and family members who love you no matter what.
8.   Notice and acknowledge the small victories, the subtle shifts, and the big and small miracles. Heaven is nearby.
9.  Have no shame. Shame never benefits anyone; it is a tool of the devil to make you feel worthless. We can feel bad for things we've done that hurt another or even hurt ourselves, but that does not make us bad. 
10. Be grateful. Gratitude is a magnet for more good. Have faith. Pray often. Then hang on for all you're worth. 

We all have our challenges. We all wonder if we'll make it through. Many of us look to the heavens and wonder if God is paying attention. I have learned that He is. He allows us our learning without interference though, and if we aren't careful and prayerful, we may think we're being ignored. I know that we are not being ignored, we are being loved as we pass through the painful experiences that He knew we would have. He provides angels on both sides of the veil to encourage us, minister to us, love us.

And when everything else seems to fall, God is there to catch us. He is good all of the time.