What are your regrets?
By far, my biggest regret is devoting myself to my children and husband, rather than pursuing my education, a meaningful career and my God-given talents. Because my mother worked full time, in a challenging environment that caused her stress to spill over into our home, I wanted a different experience for my children; I wanted them to have their mother home with them. I had felt endlessly picked on by my sisters, with no one around to stand up for me, and I didn’t want my children to suffer the same. I wanted to teach them about life, the world, the gospel, about kindness, service and hard work. I wanted to support them by being available for them to pursue the things that interested them, something I got little to none of.
Now, though, seeing the attitudes and wholesale lack of appreciation for anything that I did as a mother, I seriously regret my choices. I took a back seat to Mike, who got decades of support from me to pursue his education, his career, his love of horses, and his church callings. Even when he wasn’t bringing in any income, I still supported him and supported his choice to not take jobs in environments that he was uncomfortable with. Because my children never lived the kind of life that I did growing up, with distracted parents, with alcohol, cigarettes, coffee flowing freely in our home, the arguing and meanness, the name-calling and sarcasm, the unsupervised bullying, etc., they think their lives were much too imperfect, with a much too imperfect mother. Their dad walked on water and, in the end, he got the glory, and I got a good ripping to shreds.
Why did I do it? I truly believed my children would be happier than I was growing up. And at the time, they seemed to be. But as they moved into adulthood, they could only see flaws and will freely and deeply criticize me and my efforts to nurture and build up little humans. Mike showed little awareness or appreciation for the support he got, and the sacrifices that I made to allow him to follow his heart and his dreams. And if I couldn’t be positive and sweet-toned about every single thing, then I was the devil incarnate. As his life neared the end, he could only see through his own wounded lenses, and he too threw me under the bus. How much I regret that whole journey. I chose poorly, who to spend my earth life with. It was a gigantic mis-match.
I want a do-over! I would have asked my parents for help in getting my education, to pursue at least a master’s degree. I would have thought harder about getting married and certainly would have weighed out whether or not to bring children into the mix. I could have been a really great aunt to my nieces and nephews. I could have had a wonderful career, I could have expanded my horizons and traveled the world. I could have explored my talents and made something of myself. As my life gets closer towards the end, it is all about the regrets. How I wish I had a financially advantageous career and had planned financially for retirement. I would not have to rely on family members for help with anything. I hate needing help and I hate asking for it; I would have simply paid for all of the help I’ve needed in moving, etc. And I could pay for a lovely retirement situation, where I could hire help and stay in my own home and not burden the people who have such disdain for me.
God will need to do the sorting. I trust Him to be fair. Only He understands ALL that goes into our life experiences, our perceptions, our feelings, our successes and our regrets. I hope that my children will get all they wish for and wanted; maybe it will come from another source, another woman who can be everything to them that I could not be. Maybe He will give me the children that will consider themselves blessed to have someone who puts them first and loves them unconditionally, even with her own imperfections. Maybe Mike will have, or even already does have, the woman of his dreams, the one who only speaks sweetly, who nurtures him in the way that he has always wanted to be mothered, one who is perfectly content being in the shadows.
Eternity is a long time, and there will be opportunities galore to experience what didn't get experienced here. I think heaven will be a place where it all gets figured out and made up, through Christ's atonement. I fully expect to be with a whole different group than I've had here. I'll get past my earthly flop and find success in the new realms. I look forward to that.
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