Wanna know what I think of divorce? I wish I could answer that in a sentence or two. Instead, my mind races all over everywhere about what it is like.
For forty plus years, I had no idea what divorced people really felt like. I still couldn’t say that I know how anyone else feels, because we all experience things in very different ways. And until about two years ago, I never in my wildest imagination thought that I would ever be a divorced person. It still hits me in strange ways, pretty much every single day. And it absolutely does a number on your self-esteem.
I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about divorce, what led up to it, who was involved in how and why it happened, and on and on. It is complex. It is somewhat mystifying. And because I don’t need to air everyone’s dirty laundry, I won’t share the gory details of it all. Nevertheless, divorce does not happen in a vacuum; there are often numerous layers and players, and a whole boatload of misunderstandings and misperceptions.
One thing that I feel fairly certain of is, there are things that happened before this life that we likely are not conscious of. But I absolutely believe we were involved in some way and quite possibly made agreements/contracts with others. Others that need our help, others that we need help from, people who will have information that we need here, contracts regarding our learning here and who will help us do that. I have wondered to myself if my 40 yr. marriage was just that, a contract for 40 years. (I half-jokingly posted, on our 40th anniversary in August of 2019, that we had been wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, but so far had not found the promised land. I said that because there were so many unresolved issues that I honestly did not know if we were going to make it any further.) We would fall in love, marry, raise our family, and eventually a pot would get stirred, issues would not get resolved, and that would bring us to the place where we came to the end of the contract. It is one way I can begin to make peace with a situation that I cannot change.
We all have our agency. We make choices and decisions that not only affect us, but affect others. Others’ agency is constantly bumping into our own. We don’t always know what others will do, or why they will do what they do. We can’t always make sense of their choices, and sometimes we can’t make sense of our own! I do know that one person’s agency, one person’s decision to deal with their “stuff” in the manner that they did, had a profound effect on our ability to sort through our differences, to come together on solutions, and to resolve what came bubbling up to the surface. I don’t blame anyone else for the problems that we faced, but those problems, due to another’s choices, became so large that it was best to go our separate ways and put an end to the pain that occurs when spouses have expectations from one another that are not being met.
I re-read an article the other day, "The Silent Killer of Relationships," something I had seen some time ago. The author attended a seminar where the presenter asked what the number one reason is that people get divorced. The author, who thought he was so smart and knew exactly the right answer, said “Sex, finances and communication,” and the presenter said, “Wrong!” The number one reason is “unmet expectations.” And sure enough, that would describe my feelings exactly, and I feel fairly certain it describes my ex’s feelings as well. For me, when the one person in the family dished out their “issues” in the way that they did, it was my expectation that my spouse would prioritize things, and me, in a particular way. When that did not occur, and after nearly three years of going up and down and all around the troubles and what was behind them, it became evident that, due to deeply ingrained things, nothing was going to change. He may well have a similar story to tell.
Consequently, we are a family divided, fragmented. There is no joy for me in a family gathering, as there once was. (And we haven’t had one with everyone since Christmas 2018, which was painful for me.) I have an arch-enemy that helped this all get going, who influenced others, and who remains firmly on one side with no apparent desire to try to resolve any of it. If I have learned anything here, it is that, as adults, we cannot “make” anyone do anything. We can hope, we can pray, we can invite, but we cannot force. And when someone has planted their heels firmly in the ground, our best choice is to let it go. That isn’t to say that we are relieved of the commandment to forgive, because we are not, but we can also let go of any expectation that someone else will ever change how they think and feel, or are willing to at least take a look at a situation from other perspectives. And because “hanging onto” the idea that someone else will change, and it does not happen as years go by, is terribly painful and energy-sucking, then letting go is a matter of survival.
I have been labeled a narcissist. I have been called abusive. I have been accused of never apologizing. I have been told that I always have to be right about everything. I have been accused of posting passive-aggressively to my family members on social media. It was insinuated that I was having an affair. If I was truly all of the things that I have been accused of, and there were more, I, quite frankly, wouldn’t want anything to do with me either! But that is one person’s proclaimed perception, although their influence on others has been profound. But their perception does not make it the truth. Painful? Yes. Truthful? No.
I have very little interaction with some of my grandsons. I’m certain they have heard all manner of things about their nana, and it is one of the most painful things imaginable. Or, it is the most painful thing imaginable. I can’t go and “clear the record,” and tell them that what they are hearing is not true. I have no place undermining a parent, and I would not do so, even if it leaves me looking like the spawn of Satan. My wounds are gaping though, and my only balm is knowing that God knows the truth, He knows every single thing about me, and he knows my heart intimately. It is also helpful that a therapist, after several years of time spent together, has very different conclusions than the mix that was sent my way. Particularly with the narcissist accusation, the therapist said, “I have visited with every member of your family. I have been doing this for almost 40 years. Trust me, I know a narcissist when I meet one! You are simply not a narcissist.” But that particular accusation has caught hold and fanned the flames of this entire situation to the point that there is no longer a reason to attempt to disprove it. Sometimes people need to believe certain things in order for them to be “right” about some of their own deeper feelings and beliefs, and another person becomes their “evidence” to make them right. This is all tied in with perception but not always with truth.
I am learning how to live life on my own. Not because I want to, but because I need to. I researched and bought tires for the car that I now own alone. I had to take it in for an oil leak. (And hallelujah! I've found a repair shop, thanks to one of my daughters, that does not try to to take advantage of women who may not know a lot about car repairs. A blessing!) I replaced all of the smoke alarms in my house yesterday, even the one on the vaulted ceiling above my bed. I nearly broke my neck trying to figure out how to reach it with the soft mattress below, but after a couple of misfires, I figured out a safe way to do it. I climbed the ladder and replaced bulbs in my garage door opener, then 3 of 4 bulbs in my kitchen. It’s not that I haven’t done some of these things before (well, I’ve replaced batteries in a smoke alarm, but not the whole dang thing!), but I never had to do them, or had to do them without assistance. I reprogrammed my garage opener remote. I nearly started the house on fire with a bag of popcorn in the microwave (which is how I learned that the smoke alarms were no longer working!) and coughed and choked my way out of the house with the dogs, who had been cowering in corners because of the thick smoke.
With the holidays poised to arrive, I am having to rethink just about everything. I had a patient ask me the other day if I decorated for Halloween. Hmm, well I used to! I made a lot of things, I’ve bought a few things (I am definitely not big into Halloween), but the joy is gone. All of those things are connected to a life that is no longer mine. In fact, the majority of my decor for these three holidays will go to my ex or be donated to a thrift store. My heart just isn’t in it anymore, at least not into the things that are painful reminders of what once was but will never again be.
I am shopping for a smaller Christmas tree so that I am able, by myself, to get it off the high garage shelf and then put it together without assistance, even though I love the tree that we bought three Christmases ago. It’s just too heavy for me. And it already holds too many memories. I have 40 years’ worth of sentimental ornaments that represent different interests and years of my life, and our family's lives, that I have no interest in anymore. Life has to be adapted to the circumstances, and these are mine. Adapt, migrate or die, right? That’s what I learned in science class in 7th grade! I’d like to not migrate or die, so I am busily attempting to adapt.
I get to call the exterminator and see if he can come out again and help me find where the mice have access to my basement because the last hole that was plugged didn’t stop them. I am planning to have my floors redone and will have to hire someone to do them. I can be distrustful of hired folks coming into my home, but I am determined to make life work with what I have been given. And if I get Covid, I suppose I’ll lay upstairs in my bed until I can no longer breathe and then I’ll get a little trip to the other side. (My hospice patients might be jealous of that!) There’s no one in the family that could or would help care for me (can’t be exposed because of kids, or others with precarious health). It is all a bit sobering, but I go through each day trusting God, knowing that He is aware of even me. If I am to remain on this earth much longer, it will be because that is His plan.
I hope it doesn’t sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. A good 90% of the time, I am not. I do struggle with this whole year of “oddities” that make my life extra challenging while I adapt to this gigantic change. But I am thankful for so many things, and I work hard to focus on that as I navigate these new trails. I have a few friends that check on me now and again. I have one really good friend that is a safety net if I start to spiral down. My emotions are finding themselves on the roller coaster rides at every amusement park there is! One moment I’m feeling pretty okay, and the next moment I feel incredibly hurt and cannot stop the tears. Even in a day, I can go from one extreme to another, and yet another.
I am trying hard to be kind to myself, to give myself some space. But even in the expression of some of my feelings, related or not to the divorce, I’ve had others bail out on me. Sometimes people don't know that when you go through something this life-changing, this painful, that your emotions can be raw and possibly your ability to cope can be diminished. If I’ve offended anyone as I have attempted to make my way through this exquisitely painful experience, I am very sorry. Sometimes I’m not even sure that it is the same “me” in this body that moves through this life. I feel different. I feel shocked. I feel out of sorts. I feel a heaviness that won’t leave. Some days I feel like getting out of bed is really too much to ask of me. But there are dogs to feed, patients to see, and life yet left to live.
So I get up and force myself until I am back into gear and can show up in the ways and places that I need to.
And then I thank God, again and again, for His unending love, His compassion, His understanding, His perfect judgment, and His all-encompassing mercy and grace. With Him on my team, I can keep playing in the game until I'm on the final stretch, making my way home, and the Referee calls "Safe!" What a game it is!
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