Four years ago today, my whole world collapsed. I received a very unexpected email from a family member (FM), detailing every single thing that FM feels is wrong with me. Either things that I do that are troublesome or things that I don't do that I should be doing. I believe there were 16 things listed there (I have long since deleted the email, so I am uncertain). FM signed the email as though it was from everyone in the family.
I had the sense that I had been standing before a firing squad, and everyone in the family held a gun, with a real bullet, and took a shot. I literally fell to the ground, uncertain how to keep on living, and wondering if I even wanted to do so. I was in a state of complete shock. From my vantage point, there had been no lead-up to this and it caught me by complete surprise. I looked to the person that I believed would have my back, but for reasons that I cannot share, I learned many months down the road, that was never going to happen.
I had no one to comfort me, no one to listen to my pain, no one to catch me as I fell. (To be fair, I had some dear chaplain friends who "sat in the ashes" with me. If you ever have a collapse, find a chaplain or two to be with you!)
I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Ever. I still cry as I remember how it all played out. How our once unified, supportive family, was coming apart at the seams. I would later realize that nothing would ever be the same again. I had to learn to say goodbye to not only what had been, but also to what I always thought would be, from here to eternity. Such a brutal realization and painful goodbye.
As I sit here, four years later, I am still grieving. I am still gun shy. I am still wondering how on earth this all turned out the way that it did. I remind myself that we each came to this earth with our agency. We get to choose what we do, we get to handle things the way we choose, we get to respond in the way that we choose. We don't, however, get to choose how others behave, how they deal with their own issues, or how they decide to live their lives. I honor agency. I work hard to stay in my own lane and leave others to their own choices.
I wonder at times, what will my future be like? What will my eternity be like? I honestly have no idea whatsoever! I can only go from one day to the next, making it through in the best way that I know how. I remind myself every day that I can and do trust God. A walk by faith means a walk in the dark. As the world seems to spin out of control, it is more important than ever that I live in faith.
To be honest, it is a battle for me to not feel bitter. I have to fight my own mortal feelings nearly every day. I want to live a life of forgiveness, a life of acceptance, a life of love. I want to be a person that facilitates healing, that assists others to feel God's love and peace. The only way that I can do that is to begin with doing it myself.
Lord, Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury -- pardon.
Where there is doubt -- faith.
Where there is despair -- hope.
Where there is sadness -- joy.
Oh Divine Master, grant that I may
not so much seek to be
consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
I have never claimed to be perfect, to have been a perfect wife and mother, a perfect child of God. I am full of flaws and weaknesses. I get to learn things every day. I get to love and forgive every day. But I do not get to blame anyone else for anything. It is my agency that allows me to choose whether to end up bitter or better. That part is my journey and mine alone.
I pray that I honor God in how I walk with His children. To love them and not harm them. To teach them through love. To sit in the ashes with them when they falter or mourn. To love them as He loves them.
Lord, make me an instrument of peace.
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